I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
