i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
