I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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