I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You can't just leave with hair like that
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
