I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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