new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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