It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
