Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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