I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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