If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
