Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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