After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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