how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
