So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This baby is an asshole
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
