im drinking this country out of the recession.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
