Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
