I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
