Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
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