dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
