bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
