I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
