Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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