69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
