Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
