you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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