i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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