My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
