We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
should my penis look like a turkey
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
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Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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