My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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