So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
