i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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