After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.