Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.