I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
