I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids