does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night