God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
