Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
