If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
