You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
