I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
