I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
