i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.