Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015