Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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