i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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