Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
