How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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