They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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