I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
