we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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