Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
