I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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