My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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