It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
