i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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