I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
