She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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