She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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