how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just want to make out with him forever
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
