every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
