What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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