Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
